Love
may be a many splendored thing, but that doesn't mean we don't screw it
up from time to time. This year, we decided to hire a guy who might
help with that.
Ever since
his first column last January, Harris "Dr. Nerdlove" O'Malley has been
visiting Kotaku every two weeks to dole out relationship advice to many
of our readers. Let's take a look back at the all the advice he offered
in 2014.
"Frankly, your relationship is over. She's cut off all intimacy, lest
you start thinking about sex. She's not willing to work at fixing things
and when you fight, it's pretty clear she's fighting to wound, not to
resolve things."
"Anxiety and insecurity are relationship-killers, whether they're
directed inwards or outwards. It makes it impossible to relax and to
trust in your partner, in your relationship and in yourself. You can't
be with someone, really with them when you're constantly waiting for the
Sword of Damocles to fall. Y'know. Like you are right now."
"Remember: when it comes to dates, exciting beats pleasant hands down."
"You're allowed to keep a certain amount of space and set limits, even
with your friends. You don't need to be at their beck and call or give
them all your time. Set some boundaries and do things on your terms,
too."
"By chaining your self-esteem to external factors, you've surrendered
your sense of self to others; it can be taken from you at any time. Is
that really the way you want to live?"
"I know there's that fear that you're going to be Forever Alone. But
here's the secret: everyonehas that fear. It's easy to give in to
despair and assume the worst, but nobody, nobody knows what life is
going to bring. And that's the glorious thing about life: there is
always hope."
"Hard truth time: you weren't really on the path to romance.
Hand-holding and cuddling is nice, but you weren't really dating. You
were hanging out - platonically. The fact that neither of you would
classify what you were doing as "dating" is a pretty good clue that this
wasn't on the road to romance."
"The fact that the person on the other end of these DMs and messages is
refusing to meet in person or Skype or what-have-you is a giant red
flag."
"One of the things it's going to do is filter out people you aren't
compatible with. People who freak out because you've got an advanced
degree, know your way around an engine or because you like a good stout
or IPA instead of a malbec are doing you a favor by self-selecting out
of your dating pool and good goddamn riddance."
"Sometimes a problem isn't really a problem. Sometimes a problem is only
a problem because other people insist on making it a problem."
"This is the worst possible time to move in with someone you're dating.
Moving in together is the ultimate stress-test of a relationship and if
there're any cracks in the relationship, it's going to shatter the whole
thing. Breaking up is painful enough; it's even worse when you're stuck
in a lease with someone you used to date."
"Honestly? I think the problem was just miscommunication. If you're
still interested in him, there's no reason not to give it another try."
"Just because he's into her doesn't mean that she's suddenly lost all
free will and it's just a matter of time until he's racked up enough XP
to level up to Booty Call. Attraction isn't destiny. The fact that he
wants her doesn't call your relationship into question. She's dating you
specifically and either you trust her or you don't."
"While I can see the different points of view, I'm of the opinion that
people don't get veto power over other people's relationships. His
sister is her own person with her own interests and desires; telling her
that his feelings outrank hers is a shitty thing to do. He doesn't get
to control her dating life."
"When we focus on what other people have that we don't, it's easy to
lose track of what we do have. And even when you don't have a lot, you
can turn it into more than it seems. Taking time to appreciate what you
do have and to express that appreciation for what others have given you
or done for you is a powerful way of pulling yourself out of the
darkness."
"You already knew this was a bad situation, but the combination of sex
and feeling like you were secretly the hero of this story is combining
to make you feel like a character in a movie. At this point, there
almost had to be some part of you that knew there was no way this was
ever going to end well."
"OK, all of those things you're worried about? That's your depression
speaking. Almost every single one of those fears and anxieties are the
voice of of that large gray weight bearing down on you, sucking your
life away."
"Here's the cold hard truth about 'The Friend Zone': all that's happened
is that this person doesn't want to date you or sleep with you. That's
it. There's no malice involved. You're not being exiled, tricked, toyed
with, kept on 'the friend ladder' or any other horseshit, she's just not
into you the way you're into her. Period, the end."
"You met this woman on an online dating site, not an online friending
site. She met up with you because hey, there seems to be a bit of
chemistry there, why not see how you two do in real life? And now she's a
little confused because you mostly walked around and talked. Which can
come off as you tellingher you're not interested in more than
friendship. As a result… well, she's going to start seeing you as a
friend."
"It's generally a bad idea to ask someone out while they're at work."
"One of the best things you can do when it comes to meeting new people
and striking up friendships is to get proactive with your hobbies and
interests."
"Remember: You have have a right to your boundaries and you're not
obligated to sacrifice them to spare some dude's feelings, especially
when he's being a jerk about it."
"How to introduce your girlfriend to the idea that you're into the stuff
you're into? Start by bringing up the topic in a way that doesn't
necessarily come across as picking a fight."
"Your other photos should be the ones that make you look like you're fun
to be with. Include at least one full body shot. And absolutely no
"check these abs" selfies. Seriously, they make you look like a
douchebag"
